Expanding on "locking in the empathy"

Earlier I made a reference to a love and logic principle called "locking in the empathy" I wanted to go into more depth about exactly what that means.

Locking in the Empathy is the "love" part of Love and Logic. It shows your child that you care about their feelings. You validate them as a person while at the same time allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their choices.

It's really important to choose empathy phrases that feel natural and that you will remember to use. It really takes a lot of practice to make these phrases sound truly empathetic and not sarcastic. Your children will always be able to tell the difference between sincere empathy and sarcasm.

Some of my favorites are:

"What a bummer!"
"Oh that is really sad"
"I understand that you feel sad. I feel sad for you too"

It is really important that you use the empathy phrases to turn the situation toward your child and not toward your self.

"Gosh, I'm glad that's not my bike that got stolen. You must feel awful. What can you do about it?"*


Giving your child an opportunity to think through their own problem will teach them to solve their own problems without having to turn to your for every single issue. It may be difficult to allow them to do this but one tool that Love and Logic offers is this phrase:
"Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?"

This allows you to give them advice without sounding like you are telling them what to do. Make sure that the options you give them are all things you would be blissfully happy if they chose. Giving them bad choices and hoping they make the good one may backfire.

An further example of this is

Parent: "It's very sad that your bike got stolen because you forgot to lock it up. I would be very upset if that happened to me too. I was happy to pay for the first one but any additional bikes you need, you get to pay for. How are you going to do that?"

Kid: "I don't know...sniffle, sniffle"

Parent: "Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried"

Kid: "ok."

Parent: "well, some kids get jobs to make money so they can buy things like new bikes"

Kid: "I'm to young for a job"

Parent: "well, I pay five dollars an hour to do extra jobs around the house like cleaning out the garage or mowing the lawn"

Kid:"I could mow the lawn I guess"

Parent: "Wonderful! let me know when it is done"


Showing empathy instead of anger, will make such a huge difference in the relationships you have with your children.

To quote Love and Logic "Anger teaches children to look at adult's anger. Empathy teaches children to look at their lives and their decisions"*


I shared an example yesterday of locking in the empathy instead of getting angry. I also enforced the natural consequence (removing Hawking from the pool, but making him stay outside with me so he could be safe)

I thought about it a bit and I decided that I might do things a little differently next time. Hawking is getting old enough now that I can explain things in a little more depth.

I may have said "I'm very sad that you can't swim in the pool any more, but I need you to stay out side with me so I don't have to worry about you being safe inside without me"

That way he knew that I wasn't making him watch because I am mean but because I love him and worry about him. That way it wasn't a "punishment" just a consequence.

Latter I will go over what constitutes a "natural" consequence, and when it is a punishment.

I will also discuss shared control and how to allow your children opportunities to make choices.

Happy Parenting!

*Becoming a Love and Logic Parent co. 1991,2000 by the Love and Logic Institute, INC.