Neatrualizing arguments

About once a week I get a news letter from love and logic. Today's news letter was so great I decided to share with you. (Feel free to subscribe to the L&L news letter at loveandlogic.com)

"We've all been there: You're talking to a friend or mate and suddenly, almost without warning, you feel it. The twinge. The quickened heartbeat. The feeling of exasperation, defensiveness, and the intense desire to strike out.

Intimacy - or "into me see" is dangerous business, not for the faint of heart. Allowing another person to see the real you takes courage. The risks are having your feelings hurt. The rewards are having someone close to you.

One of the many challenges of relating is the dreaded argument. We've all been there, done that. Can you remember the last time you were having a cordial conversation with a friend, colleague, or mate, and suddenly, almost without warning, tempers flared and harsh words were spoken? You didn't plan it. It just happened!

What if there was a tool you had ready to use in such a situation? Would you use it? I'll bet you would. The next time you're in a situation where you feel attacked and want to lash out, I want you to try this experiment:

1. Stop! Yes, I know this sounds simple, but I want you to practice it. Stop! Rather than say anything, or do anything, I want you to simply stop.

2. Look. Take a moment to look around you. Notice where you are and what is happening.

3. Listen. What is being said? What was it that got you ramped up? Were you accused of something? Did someone talk about you in an unkind way? What happened?

4. Step back. Take a break. Breathe. Create a bit of distance between you and the other person and the tense situation.

5. Set a boundary. Tell the person, "I care about you too much to argue with you." Now give yourself some time to process what is happening. Let them know you will talk to them about the situation once you feel comfortable again.

The "Love and Logic Relater" maintains control over themselves, not others. They know they cannot stop another person from saying or doing anything, but they do control themselves. The next time you're in a tense situation, stop, look, and listen. Pay attention and from that position make healthy choices about what you want to do. You'll be glad you did.

Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.

Dr. David B. Hawkins Co-Author: Love and Logic Magic For Lasting"

Happy parenting!

My first real Mother's day

Today is my first real Mother's Day. Last May I was very pregnant (and I was miserable) so I wasn't experiencing any maternal joy. But today for the first time in my life, I was able to dress up my sweet baby girl and take her with me to church on Mother's Day. She was sweet and cute and I cried when someone wished me a happy mothers day. I smiled and sighed when the primary children sang songs to their mothers and looked forward to watching my daughter sing to me.

Almost every Mother's day since I got married I have avoided going to church. There was too much pain surrounding my struggle with infertility for me to make it through an entire sacrament meeting without a melt down. But today I was able to just smile and snuggle my little girl and thank my Heavenly Father for the wonderful gift he gave me 10 months ago.


The speaker was a young man getting ready for a mission. It was a  beautiful message and very appropriate for Mother's day and this blog. I am glad I was paying close enough attention to his talk that I could find the conference talk he was quoting.

It is a talk given by Elder Larry Y. Wilson of the quorum of the 70. It fit so beautifully with the messages of love and logic I just had to share a few passages. It apples to LDS parents and not LDS parents alike.

"Unrighteous dominion is often accompanied by constant criticism and the withholding of approval or love. Those on the receiving end feel they can never please such leaders or parents and that they always fall short. Wise parents must weigh when children are ready to begin exercising their own agency in a particular area of their lives. But if parents hold on to all decision-making power and see it as their “right,” they severely limit the growth and development of their children.

Our children are in our homes for a limited time. If we wait until they walk out the door to turn over to them the reins of their moral agency, we have waited too long. They will not suddenly develop the ability to make wise decisions if they have never been free to make any important decisions while in our homes. Such children often either rebel against this compulsion or are crippled by an inability to make any decisions on their own.

Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them."



Love and logic is all about teaching your children to make good decisions. I will be creating a new page just for L&L principles and tools and there will be a post specifically about shared control.


I just want to wish every one a happy Mother's Day. Especially my own mother. She has been a strength and support to me for my whole life.

I also want to add a prayer for each and every one of you who wants to be a mother and is having a hard time getting there. I pray that you can persevere, trust in the lords timing and love for you, and don't loose hope.

Happy Parenting

Expanding on "locking in the empathy"

Earlier I made a reference to a love and logic principle called "locking in the empathy" I wanted to go into more depth about exactly what that means.

Locking in the Empathy is the "love" part of Love and Logic. It shows your child that you care about their feelings. You validate them as a person while at the same time allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their choices.

It's really important to choose empathy phrases that feel natural and that you will remember to use. It really takes a lot of practice to make these phrases sound truly empathetic and not sarcastic. Your children will always be able to tell the difference between sincere empathy and sarcasm.

Some of my favorites are:

"What a bummer!"
"Oh that is really sad"
"I understand that you feel sad. I feel sad for you too"

It is really important that you use the empathy phrases to turn the situation toward your child and not toward your self.

"Gosh, I'm glad that's not my bike that got stolen. You must feel awful. What can you do about it?"*


Giving your child an opportunity to think through their own problem will teach them to solve their own problems without having to turn to your for every single issue. It may be difficult to allow them to do this but one tool that Love and Logic offers is this phrase:
"Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?"

This allows you to give them advice without sounding like you are telling them what to do. Make sure that the options you give them are all things you would be blissfully happy if they chose. Giving them bad choices and hoping they make the good one may backfire.

An further example of this is

Parent: "It's very sad that your bike got stolen because you forgot to lock it up. I would be very upset if that happened to me too. I was happy to pay for the first one but any additional bikes you need, you get to pay for. How are you going to do that?"

Kid: "I don't know...sniffle, sniffle"

Parent: "Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried"

Kid: "ok."

Parent: "well, some kids get jobs to make money so they can buy things like new bikes"

Kid: "I'm to young for a job"

Parent: "well, I pay five dollars an hour to do extra jobs around the house like cleaning out the garage or mowing the lawn"

Kid:"I could mow the lawn I guess"

Parent: "Wonderful! let me know when it is done"


Showing empathy instead of anger, will make such a huge difference in the relationships you have with your children.

To quote Love and Logic "Anger teaches children to look at adult's anger. Empathy teaches children to look at their lives and their decisions"*


I shared an example yesterday of locking in the empathy instead of getting angry. I also enforced the natural consequence (removing Hawking from the pool, but making him stay outside with me so he could be safe)

I thought about it a bit and I decided that I might do things a little differently next time. Hawking is getting old enough now that I can explain things in a little more depth.

I may have said "I'm very sad that you can't swim in the pool any more, but I need you to stay out side with me so I don't have to worry about you being safe inside without me"

That way he knew that I wasn't making him watch because I am mean but because I love him and worry about him. That way it wasn't a "punishment" just a consequence.

Latter I will go over what constitutes a "natural" consequence, and when it is a punishment.

I will also discuss shared control and how to allow your children opportunities to make choices.

Happy Parenting!

*Becoming a Love and Logic Parent co. 1991,2000 by the Love and Logic Institute, INC.

The Heart Ache and Joy of Love and Logic

Today I have a perfect example of parenting with love and logic. I have a two year old at my house during the day. We'll call him Hawking because he is a stinkin Genius. I love Hawking as much as I love my own daughter, mostly because I have been watching him since he was 8 weeks old, but also because he is really cute and funny. Usually.

For the last few days he has had a cold. For some reason when Hawking is sick he turns into a honey badger. (Most vicious animal in the animal kingdom) He cries at everything, ignores instructions, and refuses to sleep which just makes him more cranky. He is extremely good at pushing my buttons and rocketing me to level 11.

see: severe on this awesome scale from my favorite Mommy Bloggers.

So today I decided to try to be extra nice to him. Extra cuddles, Phineas and Ferb Marathon, ice cream for breakfast (just kidding Lori) but all my plans fell through. Our brand new (well for us any way) van was still in the shop today so I ended up being the chauffeur for every one in my entire family.(All 5 adults) So poor Hawking and Liberty (my daughter) ended up in and out of the non air conditioned car all day long.

I understood that would be enough to make any one cranky so I decided since it's like a million degrees out today, I would get out my little inflatable pool.

I pulled the dirty thing out of the garage, and with the help of my mom washed it out and started filling it up. Hawking decided it would be awesome to pick up the hose and squirt me with it. Fortunately I have super fast Mommy reflexes and caught him before he made it past my feet.

I let him know that playing with the hose was not an option (the pool was on the driveway by the open garage) and I put it back in the pool.
I failed fantastically at not nagging and reminding. I should have just taken him back in the house but his poor cheeks were so red and he had been in the hot car all day so I gave him many chances.

Finally the pool was full. Liberty and Hawking were in their swim suits and in the pool. My mom was attempting to make sure Liberty didn't fall face down in the pool. (she's still little enough that she can't get back up by herself yet) and Hawking picked up the hose and sprayed Liberty in the face.(which was exactly what I was trying to avoid.) She was a trooper and didn't even fuss but I decided that enough was enough.

I took Hawking out of the pool and told him that he had to be done. I said "What a bummer! You sprayed Liberty in the face, you get to sit out here and watch her swim"

Practicably he began to cry. I gave him a hug and said "I understand that this makes you sad. I am sad that you can't swim anymore too. I love you very much"

My heart was breaking for him. I knew he had had a hard day and that he was hot. I wanted so badly to just let him back in the pool. I tried to find a way for him to "earn" his way back in but I knew in my heart the lesson would be better learned if he didn't get to participate any more for today. I made sure to "lock in the empathy" and "let the consequences do the teaching."


I really hope next time we swim, he remembers this lesson so I don't have to repeat it. There will be times when lessons have to be learned several times before they stick. Love and Logic teaches that we should give our children as many opportunities to fail as we can while the price tag is small so when they cost is high, they know how to think for themselves and make good choices.

The heart ache comes from denying our children their desires. We all want our children to be happy and do things they enjoy. The joy comes later when we see the lesson has been learned, our children are better for it and we are happier parents.

Happy Parenting!

I recently attended a blogger retreat called Breathing Space. I met many wonderful women who inspired me to blog about my passions. I already have a DIY craft blog (feel free to explore it here) but my real passion is parenting. Specifically parenting with love and logic.

I am not a perfect parent. I think that goes without saying. But there have been times when I felt significantly less than perfect. I've yelled, spanked, and allowed my buttons to be pushed. I've been so frustrated that I literally just put the children in their rooms and gave myself a time out.

That being said, I am always looking to improve myself as a Mother. Reading parenting books, attending classes and talking with other moms. I was really tired of being angry at my children all the time. I really love being a mom and being angry and frustrated was taking away some of the joy of being a mother.

Then I read a book. "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood:Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years" . It was AMAZING! It really fit my existing parenting style and it gave me the tools necessary to stop being an angry mom. Then I attend a 5 week class provided by the local school district and I was able to expand my knowledge of the principles and tools that love and logic offers and principles.

The principles are very simple.

1) Lock in the empathy.. Letting a child know you understand that they are upset and that you feel for them goes a long way.


2) Let the consequences do the teaching.. NO lectures, nagging, or threats. Just simply enforce the natural consequences of a child's behavior and let their choice be the bad guy.


Here is an example from the love and logic web site

Dad: "Oh, no. You left your bike unlocked and it was stolen. What a bummer. I bet you feel awful. Well, I understand how easy it is to make a mistake like that." (Notice that the parent is not leading with anger, intimidation, or threats.)

Dad then adds, "And you'll have another bike as soon as you can earn enough money to pay for it. I paid for the first one. You can pay for the additional ones."


That's mostly it. There are several tools that love and logic employs to help you to stick to these two principles. I will be discussing each of them in detail as well as discussing my own day and how well (or poorly) I used my love and logic tools.

Happy Parenting!