Locking in the Empathy

Locking in the empathy

Practicing the "love" in "Love and Logic"

It is very important that we learn to control our responses when our children do something wrong. Often we get angry, yell, berate, name call and put our children down when they do something that we don't like.

This behavior is not only unhelpful but in many cases it can become abusive. Not only toward our children but also toward our spouses and ourselves. I like to call this the "Angry Mom Syndrome".  I hate days when I feel more anger then Joy with my children. I feel guilty for mistreating them, and my confidence that I can be a good mom goes out the window. 

Replacing anger with Empathy transforms me from "Angry Mom" to "Loving Mom". Instead of allowing my children to make their problems my problems I use an empathy phrase and walk them through solving their own problems.

For example, when Hawking was much smaller he decided to empty a 5lb bag of flour onto my pantry floor. To be honest I wasn't angry because I have always dreamed of having awesome photo opportunities like this. (I can't wait to catch my daughter covered in lipstick) However, I know for many parents, seeing this much mess all over everything would have been an anger moment. 

The expected response would be: "What have you done?! Now I have to clean all this up! You are so naughty!"

When we respond like this the child will focus on our anger. They will be sad because we are mad, not because they made a mistake. 

The Love and Logic response would have been: "What a bummer! Look at this mess you have to clean up. I'm sure glad I don't have to clean up this mess. Here is a broom/rag/bucket of water, let me know when it's all cleaned up"

It is very likely that if your child is old enough to understand, they will feel shocked and worried that they have to clean up this mess by themselves. This is a good thing. They are focused on their own mistake and the consequences and not on our anger.  When we respond this way our children know we love them, we feel for them and they don't have the power to make us angry.

I shared some of my favorite Empathy phrases HERE. 

Here are some others suggested by love and logic:

"how sad"

"what a bummer"

"Oh dear"

"I bet that makes you sad"

"I  understand"

Pick a phrase that feels natural and that you will remember to use.

Your kids will always be able to tell when you are not being sincere.

I won't lie. It takes a LOT of practice to feel empathy instead of anger. But the more you use the empathy phrases the more natural it will feel. Eventually you will feel real empathy and sympathy for your child when they make a mistake. That's when you transform from "Angry Mom" to "Loving Mom". Parenting becomes a joy instead of a burden.

Feel free to leave comments, stories and questions in the comment section. I would love to start some discussions on how you "Lock in the Empathy"

Happy Parenting!